Jokes at LensCrafters

Doctor: Do you do a lot of computer work?
Me: Yes.
Doctor: The official recommendation is that you look away from the screen, at like a clock, ten feet away or so, every two minutes. And also that you get up and walk around every 15 minutes. But that seems pretty unrealistic.
Me: Put that in a doctor’s note and we’re in business.

_____

Alexa: How did it go?
Me: Alright. The doctor said I have perfect hindsight, but my foresight is a bit weak.

_____

Alexa: Here, try this pair.
Me: Ugh, no. You have to comb your hair with glasses like that.

_____

Alexa: You’re going with that pair?
Me: I was going to go with a monocle; they’re only have as expensive. But I thought I’d splurge.

Repost: The Undying Darkness

It’s been brought to my attention that Courtney visits my blog and enjoys my dry (…ahem…) sense of humor. To say thanks, here’s one of my all time favorite posts, back from my MySpace days. Enjoy!

The Undying Darkness

I was surfing the web this morning and came across an ad for the new Caliban cd. You know, these guys:

That guy on the right is built to grind.

What caught my attention was the fabulously retarded album title: The Undying Darkness. I was hooked. I thought I’d check them out.

Turns out they’re a “deathcore” band from Germany that for reasons unknown are becoming more and more popular. I wouldn’t be surprised if Satan had a hand in it. In either case, while I can’t say I like this music (”Blahraghsighslshgosh!”), I do love the song titles. The practically make fun of themselves, which makes my life pretty damn easy.

So, for this week’s top 10 songs you’d be retarded not to download, I’m gonna give you the best tracks from Caliban. Prepare to die!

1. “Supervision Until Death”

This acoustic ballad tells the story of a forbidden love affair between a bed-ridden elderly woman and superintendent of a nursing home. It’s sweet, but I don’t get the animal sound effects.

2. “Intolerance (Ignorance II)”

Light years ahead of “Intolerance (Ignorance I)”, which was, between you and me, kinda crappy.

3. “Storm of Rage”

Storms of rage are the worst kind of storms.

4. “Scream from the Abyss”

What I really like about Caliban is that they pull out all the stops with their music. For this track, they really descended into the abyss and screamed. One listen and you’ll hear that it was totally worth it.

5. TIE: “It’s Our Burden to Bleed” / “I Refuse to Keep on Living”

For the love of god, somebody buy these guys a puppy. What I don’t understand is how they refuse to keep on living but somehow keep putting out albums. Why do you keep giving the burden to us?

6. “Assassin of Love”

I actually like this title. When I was in middle school, this was one of my many nicknames.

7. “Certainty…Corpses Bleed Cold”

This song continues the story of the old woman and the nursing home superintendent.

8. “Room of Nowhere”

Huh?

9. “Song About Killing”

This song is about killing.

And the winner of the “Shitty Song by Caliban” award goes to…

10. “I Rape Myself”

Their mothers must be proud.

Terroir

From Small Giants, Bo Burlingham’s look at companies that choose to be great instead of big:

Ari Weinzweig of Zingerman’s [deli] offered an analogy for the relationship that companies like his have with their respective communities. “You’re talking about something like what the French call terroir,” he said. “It has to do with the way that the soil and climate in a given region contribute to the flavor of the food. That’s because the soil’s mineral content, the amount of sun and rain it gets, the local vegetation, and so on—all that is different in each region. So let’s say you’re going to make cheese or wine using the same recipe in two different places. The animals in one place will be grazing on different vegetation from those in the other, and the grape vines will be growing in different soil and getting different amounts of sun and rain. Because the terroir is different, the cheese will be different, and the wine will be different, even if you follow the same process for making them. And that’s true. You can taste the difference. It’s the same with some businesses. Every community has its own character, which is sort of a spiritual terroir. If you’re really rooted in that community, it’s going to have a big impact on the way you are.”